Sticking to resolutions has become tougher than i thought. No, its no New Year resolution, its a resolution for life, a differnt life, good or bad, time would tell, but for now, let it be a differnt life. I dont know what I want. This constant war between what is right, not just for me, what I want, not just for now, and what is going on and how it should have been, is driving me "NUTS"..

There is a bad side of being so logical. Not for those around me, but for myself. I just cant stop thinking. I HAVE to find a logic behind everything. And the worst part isnt that i am overusing my grey cells, its that, the logics doesnt work the way human brain does. I have started to believe that this is a disorder.

I start writing and then stop, distracted by thoughts, nothing in particular though. Feeling ignored is the worst thing that i can go through. My old fears sorround me once again.

See how things change. Going through my previous posts and my neverending complaining to what I started to write now, something that is more positive and good to read. I dont think I would read those posts again, and specially ones of my old blog, I would not go near it. Yes, endless negativity. I know. How did people even tolerate me.

All that you go through in your lifetime (life till present)starting from the beginning love, carings, affections, attractions, motivations, inspirations, pleasure, betrayal, sadness, anger, voilence, distractions,

My logics. Any problem??

I usually talk of heaven and hell, as if I know most of what it is all about. But truly, I know a lot about it. Don't dare try to prove me wrong, I am not open to discussions or criticisms anymore. I talk LOGICALLY. Like it or hate it, I don't care. Its my strength and my weakness. None is perfect here. Well, coming back to what is heaven and hell. It is hell right now. Prove it?? I don't mind. I cant sleep all night. Haven't been eating even 2 meals everyday. Feel like a prisoner, lonely and frustrated in a bloody stinking slammer. I Wake up in the middle of the night, IF I manage to sleep, and cry out loud. THIS IS HELL.

But hey don't pity me, I don't need any ones help. Its just a passing phase. It'll go away soon. I know of some horrendous things that i have done, this is just the restitution for the same. Ill be cleansed but the time its all over. A new happy beginning then, nothing to hold me back or throw me down. I will need no one then. Ill take back what is mine, the control. My music, like always would be my companion, my job would be my hobbie, ONLY my parents would be my priority, no emotional attachments from people, its not worth the effort.

I want to move on too, just like the rest of the world. Its not easy for me, has never been. I remember the time when I could do anything if challenged, jumping from places, inserting fingers in electric sockets and what not. Yea, that was immature, but things have not changed much, the challenges are bigger, but so am I, bigger and stronger. Just need to look inside for that long lost kid, its there somewhere. Don't want the useless stuff like love and attachments wreck my life. Life has a lot more to it, things are better and more beautiful. People would come and go, they would not remember you. I have to do the same.

Ill cherish the good times, and with no high ego issues would learn from the bad ones. I don't want to be scared of loosing anymore, loosing people or things. Its too much of a liability. Come and go, I would do the same, I would not stop you and would not stop if you tell me to. Would not feel hurt from what you tell or write, but yes, may give you a harder jab if you manage to offend me.

I will try to change, have been changing for good. I thank those responsible for this. But I have given things back in return. So we owe nothing to each other. Its not complicated, the human mind, give it something to distract, and you are distracted from what was once your distraction. Some take no time at all, and some would not look at those distractions because they think that what they had was definitely better and would want to stick to it. Well, funny thing, it is complicated. I can suddenly think of few more possibilities. Phewww...I am good...I am the best...NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT.