See how things change. Going through my previous posts and my neverending complaining to what I started to write now, something that is more positive and good to read. I dont think I would read those posts again, and specially ones of my old blog, I would not go near it. Yes, endless negativity. I know. How did people even tolerate me.

All that you go through in your lifetime (life till present)starting from the beginning love, carings, affections, attractions, motivations, inspirations, pleasure, betrayal, sadness, anger, voilence, distractions,

My logics. Any problem??

I usually talk of heaven and hell, as if I know most of what it is all about. But truly, I know a lot about it. Don't dare try to prove me wrong, I am not open to discussions or criticisms anymore. I talk LOGICALLY. Like it or hate it, I don't care. Its my strength and my weakness. None is perfect here. Well, coming back to what is heaven and hell. It is hell right now. Prove it?? I don't mind. I cant sleep all night. Haven't been eating even 2 meals everyday. Feel like a prisoner, lonely and frustrated in a bloody stinking slammer. I Wake up in the middle of the night, IF I manage to sleep, and cry out loud. THIS IS HELL.

But hey don't pity me, I don't need any ones help. Its just a passing phase. It'll go away soon. I know of some horrendous things that i have done, this is just the restitution for the same. Ill be cleansed but the time its all over. A new happy beginning then, nothing to hold me back or throw me down. I will need no one then. Ill take back what is mine, the control. My music, like always would be my companion, my job would be my hobbie, ONLY my parents would be my priority, no emotional attachments from people, its not worth the effort.

I want to move on too, just like the rest of the world. Its not easy for me, has never been. I remember the time when I could do anything if challenged, jumping from places, inserting fingers in electric sockets and what not. Yea, that was immature, but things have not changed much, the challenges are bigger, but so am I, bigger and stronger. Just need to look inside for that long lost kid, its there somewhere. Don't want the useless stuff like love and attachments wreck my life. Life has a lot more to it, things are better and more beautiful. People would come and go, they would not remember you. I have to do the same.

Ill cherish the good times, and with no high ego issues would learn from the bad ones. I don't want to be scared of loosing anymore, loosing people or things. Its too much of a liability. Come and go, I would do the same, I would not stop you and would not stop if you tell me to. Would not feel hurt from what you tell or write, but yes, may give you a harder jab if you manage to offend me.

I will try to change, have been changing for good. I thank those responsible for this. But I have given things back in return. So we owe nothing to each other. Its not complicated, the human mind, give it something to distract, and you are distracted from what was once your distraction. Some take no time at all, and some would not look at those distractions because they think that what they had was definitely better and would want to stick to it. Well, funny thing, it is complicated. I can suddenly think of few more possibilities. Phewww...I am good...I am the best...NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN VEDARONESTINASIA (vae-de-ro-nes-ti-ne-shia)

This story is not related to me in anyways and its resemblance from anyone would be a total coincidence and my creativity (or stupidity, most likely the case).
So this story is about a boy who was born in a village far away from this planet in a galaxy not know to man, in a very poor family. Now one may wonder if this is one of those silly stories where a boy does great things even though being born in poor conditions. Well, it’s not the case here, because this boy was born on a different planet, and not earth, where bollywood produces stupid movies. So this boy, named Pranav, had 4 friends, Joshi, Gautam, Manish and Saunak. These friends, one day planned to go for an outing. On their way, they came across a stable with a beautiful horse STANDING. This was no ordinary horse, they thought (obviously, not just because it was from a different planet but it was really huge too). They were so fascinated by this horse that they decided to buy it. Before that, they thought to ride on it first. This horse was a real stubborn types and it just refused to sit down due to which the friends couldn’t sit on it. So out of frustration they all started beating up the horse. Suddenly the owner of the horse came running, hearing the cries of his horse, and angrily cursed the 5 friends that if they ever sit, they would die. All the friends really scared wondered what to do now. But out of the 5 friends, Saunak was bravest. He was pretty sure that nothing would happen and mocked his friends on believing on something as stupid as that. Without a second thought he sat down. Guess what happened next, of course he died. Now the friends all the more scared, decided to face the situation maturely, they planned for a galaxy tour. So they all started with their journey and after travelling for 20 days came back to their planet and back to their home. Now Joshi was very tired and wanted to sleep, but he knew the consequence. Finally he made up his mind and bid goodbye to his friends, laid down and of course never got up again, leaving the remaining 3 sad and depressed. They wondered what to do now. Finally they planned to go on a same trip once again. On their return, it was Gautam’s turn to bid goodbye to the remaining 2. Similarly Manish was next. Pranav was left really sad and lonely. He could not understand what to do now. So finally he too decided to sit and finish his life thinking that this was very much inevitable. But before that he wanted to eat and drink like never before, all those things he ever wanted, so that he dies satisfied. After he finished his meals he finally decided to sit on a motorcycle he desperately wanted to buy. As soon as he sat on it, guess what happened, NOTHING. He was so happy and at the same time confused. But then suddenly he saw the owner of the same horse running towards him with a knife. Scared what to do now, he rode the bike as fast as he could, and the owner followed him in the red bike that was parked next to the blue one which Pranav was riding. After a long chase the owner finally caught up with the blue bike and killed Pranav.
This was how all the 5 friends died. This is the end of the story. But now the most important part of it. What is the moral of the story?
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1. The red bike was faster from the blue bike
2. All alien stories are not interesting
3. And on a serious note, it's not good to torture animals


P.S. I am really sorry for such a pathetic piece of work. Had written it a long time back...Did not want it go waste in some old dusty notebook.

Been some time since my last update and as the blogging thing is so much in air these days, felt like updating mine as well. This would be probably the very first time i'd post in a happy mood. Why am I happy?? I don't know, and honestly am least bothered to find it out. Am happy as long as I am happy. Well that made no sense. Who cares? I tend to speak a little nonsense when I am happy. So here it goes all the nonsense I can think of at the moment....
I’ll start with what I am wondering right now. First of all am really enjoying typing. Ok, that is not what I am wondering right now. What I was wondering was that why is it that all my post were so "her" centric?? There is so much in life more than just that. Not that my feelings have changed in any ways, but something has for sure changed the way I think. I must say, the recent incidents have played a pivotal role. All I know is that I’ll be altogether a different person by the time I am done with my course. And that gives me the answer to my question ( why are my posts so "her" centric)...it’s all because of "her" that I have changed so much...changes, good or bad, well both, but I’ll concentrate more on the good ones...specially becuase ive been really bad with to her with my words...I think she deserves a lot more than my criticism and my poisonous words…not that I regret what all I had posted before, it was what I felt, but she isn’t all that bad…I thank you for all that you’ve done for me girl, all the love and affection, your sacrifices, your caring, just everything…these 10 months compensated for those 5 years of my dull life…I just hope I did something good for you as well…
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Incomplete....will complete it someday, but time required me to post this today, had to let you know what i really feel for you...I LOVE YOU...Love may go someday, it will, in fact it will have to...but you will be there, in that special untouchable place in my heart...

List of questions i usually ask myself....not an exhaustive list, but all that i can think of right now....

1. Will i ever be stinking rich??

2. Why have i started getting irritated with my mom and dad so often??

3. Why do i try to keep her happy all the time, when she either doesn't want to be happy with me, or when she would never push herself so much if required??

4. Will i have ever get to camp in Himalayas all by myself??

5. Will i ever get to jump into really deep waters from a high bridge??

6. Will i be all fit and fine, in one piece, till the time i die??

7. How would i get over the death of my parents, if they die before me (which i really wish)??

8. Would i ever find someone who would love me, selflessly, and understand me completely?? (too much to ask i guess)

9. Will i ever fly a plane??

10. Would it ever be possible for me to shop for whatever i like without worrying about my budget??

11. Will i be able to give my parents all that they ever wanted??

12. Will i ever be a real hacker??

13. will i ever learn to play guitar??

14. Will i ever learn to dance??

15. Why do i give some people such high importance??

16. Why is it that i get things, things i always wanted, at a later stage and not when i really wanted them??

17. Why do i always get carried away in love??

18. Why am i always so scared of loosing the people i love??

19. Why do i tolerate things that i don't like, when people don't do the same with me??

20. Why am i so selective in making friends??

21. Will i ever be able to ask a question, fearlessly, and get the answer i want to hear??

22. Would i die happy and satisfied??

Immature ?? (maybe)....but i do think of these things at times, in different moods, while watching and hearing people do some of these things...Can think of more, but dont feel like writing now...I know, and i also say, one cannot get everything in life...I believe in it, but is it really bad to dream and think of all that you'd want??

this stays unpublished....

Its funny that eveytime you say something good about anything, that is when the thing always go bad...its almost immidiately in fact....okk, now i start my post with this line, because i dont always want to sound confused and lost...i am neither confused nor am lost...i am just a little sad...maybe more than a little...a day back taked to mom about her and there she goes now...thought this would be one of the best birthday i ever had, and strangly, it turns out to be the worst...well shit happens...but damn, i think i am confused, as i really dont know what to write...i just want to write something becasuse i know that is the only think that would help me...tried seeking some help from the very source of my sadness, but guess there are some better things they have to do...so all i can do is some blogging to kill my time and be at peace...going through a blog afew days back, there was a sentence that read " Crying, sweating and yelling over anyone or anything? Unless someone's in imminent danger, dead or dying, you're way too wrapped up."...it kind of makes sense. After all why is it that we cry and sweat over someone, unless its not your family, who have actually sacrifices a lot to make me what i am...but is it so easy to let go of someone who gave you the best times of your life and who you really love?? its not, but all you can think at this time is that the person you are so sad for, is moving on at a pace that you can never imagine...maybe then youll realize that all you are trying to do is show the person how important she is and give her a reason to be more man than you are...more you are available for the other person, more you are taken for granted...but why the hell are the things so complicated...why is the ego and the pride factor always so dominant...i really dont know...FUCK I NEVER KNOW ANYTHING...she is like right in from of me...want to talk to her...but dont want to be the one one pushing the conversations all the time...and here i go again, pinged her...am doing all that i dont want to do...when am i going to learn...there is so much more to do in life, why am i so WRAPPED UP in this love crap...this is the time when pleaying around in relations make sense...why the hell do you have to be so serious...well not something i can do...and not something i would ever want to do...its not all that good getting into any relation...i was indifferent before i got into one, but now i am sad and depressed...i had told her that i want no commitments, was it so hard for her to understand me...did she actually want a guy who would play around with her...how could she feel good about things things then...i dont know its way to over my head...i think i gave her a good time...she cannot have all the good things...its immature to even expect it...i cannot love her, when i am not happy myself...and if i cannot love her, how can i give her what she wants...one time we talk about spending our life together, next moment she says bye...maybe this is how girls think now...i am way to backward for them...well the best for me is to stay alone...i wait for her, but i am not trying anything this time...made a mistake before...not doing the same thing again...ill live...ill learn...

september ashes....

September begun with a goodbye to my heart

The pictures you put in my head brought tears behind my icy hands

Come closer; Breathe my name and nothing more

We are mere whispering of a heartfelt elegy

So when I scream for you, do not answer me

When I beg you to hold me, just walk away...

......Draconian.......