red, green and blues.....

Lately I’ve been thinking about some things consistently. Well this is how it began. A little background before I go on. Following is my routine (I do have a lot of time to think of useless things):

1. Every morning I wake up at around 8 AM (don’t be jealous, I am late already by that time) with just 40 minutes to get ready (hence no time to think)

2. At sharp 8.45, I am out on the street waiting for some auto wala to be kind enough to take me to the railway station. (They, like the ones in every city, have some inherent problem. They don’t want to go where you have to go.)

3. Waiting for the train at around 8.55. Now this is my thought provoking moment. This is where I think about the things I would be writing here. The travelling part is one thing I would never get used to (in fact I would not even want to). You just cannot avoid the stink of some hideous hair oil from the person standing in front of you (me being a taller than most of the people, or about the same height, makes it all the more inexorable) and to add to it, the sweat that you share with everyone around you. Oh yes!!! forgot to mention the layer of red on the tracks, platforms, walls, stairs and almost everything that is public (couldn’t sleep for almost a month because of these sights in my head).

4. Reaching office at around 9.27 (JIT).

5. Office, the best part of the day. I don’t mind working hard, especially if it’s the kind of work I like (as of now). I don’t mind, because it helps me not to think of the dim witted things. And yes, people find it a little too sadistic, guess I am a sadist, I like venting out my frustration at the vendors when they do something wide of the mark.

6. Office done, same old train stuff and then back home.

7. Coming back home SUCKS. I have absolutely nothing to do, hence the same old thinking thing starts (Seems i’ll die of brain cancer).

Well this is very much how I spend my weekdays. Weekends?? It’s simple. Refer to point No. 7

Now, coming back to what I consistently think. All this that I am doing all day started to make no sense to me. What I see here is that I would work, earn some good money, change my job, earn more money, marry, spend money on my family, make some kids, spend more money, grow old, won’t have much money, and finally die, doesn’t matter how much money I am left with. This is crazy shit. All this makes no sense. This is not what I want from my life. I don’t just want to work hard to earn and spend and live a life of a normal man. But at the same time I don’t even know what I’d do with my life if I don’t do this. And there is something else to it. I may start enjoying what I am doing and then finally i'll want to do more of this. But doesn’t that mean that I’ve compromised with the circumstances. It’s all about compromising. I let go of my lover. I guess I didn’t fight hard enough to get her, neither did she. They say it’s just one short life, right? Why so many compromises when it’s actually this short. Someone told me yesterday how this famous guy in a band died from stroke during his sleep. Well I am to die some day, maybe soon, maybe later, maybe before I get old or maybe now, while I am typing, I don’t know. Too many maybes, well that's the whole point. There would always be these "Maybes". For example, "Maybe if I do this, I would have a better tomorrow", but dude, what if not? Maybe the option you’ve let go was the better one, in fact the best one. Why can’t I be happy now, accept things as they come and get what I want (not saying that I don’t want to work. I understand how important money is). Why can’t I be with the people I love, why do I have to stay away from my parents? What good would this money do, if I or they would no longer be there? I would just be left with one head full of regrets of not being with them longer, or not doing things differently when the time was right. I don’t know, all this is too confusing. Success to me is no Bill Gates. I want no 3 letter status. A peaceful, complete and a satisfied sleep would define my concept of happiness and success (Quality of life is directly proportional to the quality of sleep, I think). I miss my mom, my dad, my girl, miss my car too, not to forget my bed, miss the clean air, miss the coffee, miss sharing my bed, miss my mother’s touch, miss 'HER' motherly touch, miss kissing her hands, her forehead too, miss the hug, miss my rash driving, miss those immature races with Hondas and Hyundais with my little 800 cc car, miss the loud rock and country music I played in my car, those intimate moments with my lover, miss playing basketball, miss those long, hands in hand stress free walks, miss talking on phone for hours and hours together, miss the dozing offs while on phone, miss good food, hence, I miss a good night sleep.

THE ink pen and THE diary

Yet another something I had written a long time back...Don't curse me, I may get a little weird at times...:)

I just don't know why I am writing this. I am just using an ink pen after many years. One can very easily guess that I got a pretty bad handwriting. My mom keeps telling me to do something about it. But maybe I am too lazy to do that. So anyways, let me tell you more about this pen. It is a Parker. Now all my acquaintances would easily guess that I did not purchase it from the very fact that it is Parker. I took it from my dad. Actually he gave me the set of 3 pens. The set had a ball pen (did not work), a roller (which I have already used) and this one, "The ink pen". Now why am I using this diary for this stupid stuff? Actually this diary is just as useless, maybe more, as this pen. So I rather use it for this stupid stuff rather than not to use it all. Secondly, the copies I have other than this diary are not fair (bad pages), so the ink from this disperse as I write. So I had to open my suitcase of crappy stuff to find something to write on. And finally I found this. Hence here I am wasting my time and making some use of this pen and this diary. Actually I also had to go to the market to get an ink pot for this pen. Now, I am wondering what the hell I am going to do with it after I am done writing this? well, I am bored now {I am sure you too are :) } , so I stop now...


Sorry sorry sorry sorry......ever seen someone as useless as me to even write this, once on that diary, and then on a blog...phewww...I need some love...

Sticking to resolutions has become tougher than i thought. No, its no New Year resolution, its a resolution for life, a differnt life, good or bad, time would tell, but for now, let it be a differnt life. I dont know what I want. This constant war between what is right, not just for me, what I want, not just for now, and what is going on and how it should have been, is driving me "NUTS"..

There is a bad side of being so logical. Not for those around me, but for myself. I just cant stop thinking. I HAVE to find a logic behind everything. And the worst part isnt that i am overusing my grey cells, its that, the logics doesnt work the way human brain does. I have started to believe that this is a disorder.

I start writing and then stop, distracted by thoughts, nothing in particular though. Feeling ignored is the worst thing that i can go through. My old fears sorround me once again.

See how things change. Going through my previous posts and my neverending complaining to what I started to write now, something that is more positive and good to read. I dont think I would read those posts again, and specially ones of my old blog, I would not go near it. Yes, endless negativity. I know. How did people even tolerate me.

All that you go through in your lifetime (life till present)starting from the beginning love, carings, affections, attractions, motivations, inspirations, pleasure, betrayal, sadness, anger, voilence, distractions,

My logics. Any problem??

I usually talk of heaven and hell, as if I know most of what it is all about. But truly, I know a lot about it. Don't dare try to prove me wrong, I am not open to discussions or criticisms anymore. I talk LOGICALLY. Like it or hate it, I don't care. Its my strength and my weakness. None is perfect here. Well, coming back to what is heaven and hell. It is hell right now. Prove it?? I don't mind. I cant sleep all night. Haven't been eating even 2 meals everyday. Feel like a prisoner, lonely and frustrated in a bloody stinking slammer. I Wake up in the middle of the night, IF I manage to sleep, and cry out loud. THIS IS HELL.

But hey don't pity me, I don't need any ones help. Its just a passing phase. It'll go away soon. I know of some horrendous things that i have done, this is just the restitution for the same. Ill be cleansed but the time its all over. A new happy beginning then, nothing to hold me back or throw me down. I will need no one then. Ill take back what is mine, the control. My music, like always would be my companion, my job would be my hobbie, ONLY my parents would be my priority, no emotional attachments from people, its not worth the effort.

I want to move on too, just like the rest of the world. Its not easy for me, has never been. I remember the time when I could do anything if challenged, jumping from places, inserting fingers in electric sockets and what not. Yea, that was immature, but things have not changed much, the challenges are bigger, but so am I, bigger and stronger. Just need to look inside for that long lost kid, its there somewhere. Don't want the useless stuff like love and attachments wreck my life. Life has a lot more to it, things are better and more beautiful. People would come and go, they would not remember you. I have to do the same.

Ill cherish the good times, and with no high ego issues would learn from the bad ones. I don't want to be scared of loosing anymore, loosing people or things. Its too much of a liability. Come and go, I would do the same, I would not stop you and would not stop if you tell me to. Would not feel hurt from what you tell or write, but yes, may give you a harder jab if you manage to offend me.

I will try to change, have been changing for good. I thank those responsible for this. But I have given things back in return. So we owe nothing to each other. Its not complicated, the human mind, give it something to distract, and you are distracted from what was once your distraction. Some take no time at all, and some would not look at those distractions because they think that what they had was definitely better and would want to stick to it. Well, funny thing, it is complicated. I can suddenly think of few more possibilities. Phewww...I am good...I am the best...NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN VEDARONESTINASIA (vae-de-ro-nes-ti-ne-shia)

This story is not related to me in anyways and its resemblance from anyone would be a total coincidence and my creativity (or stupidity, most likely the case).
So this story is about a boy who was born in a village far away from this planet in a galaxy not know to man, in a very poor family. Now one may wonder if this is one of those silly stories where a boy does great things even though being born in poor conditions. Well, it’s not the case here, because this boy was born on a different planet, and not earth, where bollywood produces stupid movies. So this boy, named Pranav, had 4 friends, Joshi, Gautam, Manish and Saunak. These friends, one day planned to go for an outing. On their way, they came across a stable with a beautiful horse STANDING. This was no ordinary horse, they thought (obviously, not just because it was from a different planet but it was really huge too). They were so fascinated by this horse that they decided to buy it. Before that, they thought to ride on it first. This horse was a real stubborn types and it just refused to sit down due to which the friends couldn’t sit on it. So out of frustration they all started beating up the horse. Suddenly the owner of the horse came running, hearing the cries of his horse, and angrily cursed the 5 friends that if they ever sit, they would die. All the friends really scared wondered what to do now. But out of the 5 friends, Saunak was bravest. He was pretty sure that nothing would happen and mocked his friends on believing on something as stupid as that. Without a second thought he sat down. Guess what happened next, of course he died. Now the friends all the more scared, decided to face the situation maturely, they planned for a galaxy tour. So they all started with their journey and after travelling for 20 days came back to their planet and back to their home. Now Joshi was very tired and wanted to sleep, but he knew the consequence. Finally he made up his mind and bid goodbye to his friends, laid down and of course never got up again, leaving the remaining 3 sad and depressed. They wondered what to do now. Finally they planned to go on a same trip once again. On their return, it was Gautam’s turn to bid goodbye to the remaining 2. Similarly Manish was next. Pranav was left really sad and lonely. He could not understand what to do now. So finally he too decided to sit and finish his life thinking that this was very much inevitable. But before that he wanted to eat and drink like never before, all those things he ever wanted, so that he dies satisfied. After he finished his meals he finally decided to sit on a motorcycle he desperately wanted to buy. As soon as he sat on it, guess what happened, NOTHING. He was so happy and at the same time confused. But then suddenly he saw the owner of the same horse running towards him with a knife. Scared what to do now, he rode the bike as fast as he could, and the owner followed him in the red bike that was parked next to the blue one which Pranav was riding. After a long chase the owner finally caught up with the blue bike and killed Pranav.
This was how all the 5 friends died. This is the end of the story. But now the most important part of it. What is the moral of the story?
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1. The red bike was faster from the blue bike
2. All alien stories are not interesting
3. And on a serious note, it's not good to torture animals


P.S. I am really sorry for such a pathetic piece of work. Had written it a long time back...Did not want it go waste in some old dusty notebook.

Been some time since my last update and as the blogging thing is so much in air these days, felt like updating mine as well. This would be probably the very first time i'd post in a happy mood. Why am I happy?? I don't know, and honestly am least bothered to find it out. Am happy as long as I am happy. Well that made no sense. Who cares? I tend to speak a little nonsense when I am happy. So here it goes all the nonsense I can think of at the moment....
I’ll start with what I am wondering right now. First of all am really enjoying typing. Ok, that is not what I am wondering right now. What I was wondering was that why is it that all my post were so "her" centric?? There is so much in life more than just that. Not that my feelings have changed in any ways, but something has for sure changed the way I think. I must say, the recent incidents have played a pivotal role. All I know is that I’ll be altogether a different person by the time I am done with my course. And that gives me the answer to my question ( why are my posts so "her" centric)...it’s all because of "her" that I have changed so much...changes, good or bad, well both, but I’ll concentrate more on the good ones...specially becuase ive been really bad with to her with my words...I think she deserves a lot more than my criticism and my poisonous words…not that I regret what all I had posted before, it was what I felt, but she isn’t all that bad…I thank you for all that you’ve done for me girl, all the love and affection, your sacrifices, your caring, just everything…these 10 months compensated for those 5 years of my dull life…I just hope I did something good for you as well…
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Incomplete....will complete it someday, but time required me to post this today, had to let you know what i really feel for you...I LOVE YOU...Love may go someday, it will, in fact it will have to...but you will be there, in that special untouchable place in my heart...