Fade away...

“Hey Pranav”: Well, I am not a psycho (maybe a little as people say). This is what I am doing more often these days, talking to myself. I remember doing that before, not just once or twice, it was habitual. As far as I remember I was then a super negative piece of tart. But life was fine. With my wits, I could win any discussion at hand, if I felt it worth enough for me to get into, much astute with my plans and activities, more or less, self-sufficient. Since there is much cribbing in this phase of my life, this post would be no different. I’d crib as much as I want, for no one here care nor has the authority to care, even if willing. I have taken back all those rights, though the control factor which theoretically mine is still under construction. Moreover, this place, which I, from the core of my heart, dislike, a job which hardly saves me any moolah by the end of the month and have also ceased to provide me any growth as far as my experience and personality is concerned; help me in no ways. I did try my hands on ‘Twitter’ to bring back that life, but just felt myself impersonating someone that I am not. Sadly (disgustingly), I did at times patronised people, with my ‘now-dull-brain’, just to get into a conversation for some unknown reason, maybe just to feel a little alive. But I still have my ego, which differentiates me from the rest. Twitter, no more, till I am ready again. I’ll live again someday, without bargaining myself. I won’t talk about my job. It’s a lot more than what I deserve and what I could ask for. I couldn't’t, during the whole of my MBA, even imagine myself in a bank or an asset management company, that would have me run around in places I’d refrain from, in my sane life. Nor would I talk about this place. I’ve been in a place worst than this, all alone, at an age when one’s mother would gently pull her child close to her and place him/her on her laps and love her heart out. Not that there was some problem with THAT place, it was the people then, that caused me more pain and agony. Those were the days when I faced the real, much needed, trials of my life. 2 years of that suffering, and I was transformed. Next 3 years after that, bliss and the 2 years after that, inferno, and the next 2 years, bliss(est)<-- that, I KNOW make no sense. Wait let me make a sinusoidal graph of my life (I didn’t mean it, don’t force me in making one). But according to the graph (hypothetical, just imagine one), next few years would go BAD for me (Nah, stats are not always correct, don’t make me talk about the recession times now). Well, I’ll simply have to keep up with it. But I’m not gonna start with my autobiography here, not that I wouldn’t be interested, but it’s not an interesting one. Am I proud? Yes. No dark secrets or mistakes. Its helps me lead a happy life with a lot less baggage, less confusion, more open to opinions, etc (don’t feel like thinking more about the benefits now, sorry).

I remember me as a child, when my father, who had a good job which wasn’t good enough to support HIS wanton family, put at stake not only his happiness but that of his wife and his 2 really small children. Ignorant of the environment, I kept up with my demands, which in no ways could be fulfilled, no matter how small they were. A mere candy, that I cried for, which would’ve costed less than a rupee would raise a number of calculations in my dear mother’s head after which she, hiding her grave sadness and distress; probably her tears too, would smile embarrassingly and say, ‘beta abhi nai, baad mei pakka dilaunge’. I could have never understood what she must be going through, denying her son’s happiness. I grew up in an environment where money was always in scarce, but I hardly remember a moment when my parents kept me deprived of my LUXURIES (after the times mentioned above). I remember my dad running around in his “Bajaj Priya” frantically to keep up with all the misc activities just to gather a little more, to merely fulfil the needs of his family in times when he was suppose to pamper his wife and children. My dad is damn smart and very well educated, he’s an engineer and was a big shot, but no one can stand against the will of the undying ones. Why I say all this? I’ve hurt them and FEW more in the process of mourning for those who are busy wooing for others and consoling the heartbreaks of those who never made/(will make) any difference in their lives. I made my lovely sister cry, who, at any given day, if required, would shield me even if death itself wish to feel me. This is not the first time I did this and regret. I’ve done this over and over before.

I blame no one for this; intolerable, cranky, sad and sadist behaviour of mine. I’ll let go of the nastiness, rudeness and indifference inflicted upon me. I’d forget the fact that those, I stood by in their time of need, stranded me in a helpless state, to satisfy their rebellious and righteous craving for life. I can’t make anyone feel guilty for something for which their conscious is clear, if I can, then it’s well deserved. One prayer, I have to those watching and mocking me. Let THAT one, who pained me in those most needed days of mine, live happily in peace, for I still love her and would dare not think bad for her. I'll cry no more in the depths of my blanket or under the sky, in solitude. I’ll too move on someday, though not as soon as she did, but yes for my own good, sooner than I think.

I'll be angry no more....

Just moving out....

Yes, I was serious when I said in my previous post that it was my last one. But who gives a shit, I want to write again. Can you kill me for that? Want to write more now. The ones I’ll write now are not person or purpose specific. True, that not many people know of my blog, but nevertheless I still want to keep up with my wannabe feelings to write and be good at it someday.

Sipping my coffee at the airport waiting for my flight that got delayed by 1 hour 50 minutes:
Here are some of the activities for my new BETTER life. May not last forever, I mean the activities, but sure would do some good for now.
No more sad/hatred posts. I need to forget the people who behaved badly in the past. Give it a new start like I did today, purchased a weird coloured t-shirt, don’t know what you would call this colour, but it looks good on me, met some new people yesterday, felt better, met old friends, felt great!! I should try some different stuff now, maybe some old immature things that I did in the past. Maybe get slapped by few girls in a mall (FYI, this never happened before and would never happen), or do something retarded, illegal, something I refrained from doing before, ignoring my boring old school ethics; 1 full pack of cigarettes or get drunk (even puke) once again. Need to shop a lot too; change my wardrobe, all new stuff. A new job too. Phew! I really need that. I just have to leave this place, or make a nice (not nice, just sexy and hot) girlfriend, not lovable types. Well anyways this coffee is not nice, bloody expensive but useless, and my computer has its battery drained, so I’ll finish it here, incomplete and short yet pleasant and worth remembering.

Still grudges...Still Love...

This is my last post here and probably my last blog. Writing wasn’t my thing anyways. I admit that I have a little wannabe feelings for writing, but some things are just not meant for you. So here I go giving up more than just writing.

Instead of beating around the bush, will come straight to the point, I really miss you, hate your arrogance and am wondering if for once the thought crossed your mind to call me after your arrogant tone? Did you for a moment, want to talk just a little more when I said ‘Bye’ and you hanged up instantly? Ever wanted to say something even when there was nothing to say? Did you give it a second thought before blocking me on facebook (Even if I told you too) and gtalk? Are you so over me already, with that new guy in your head that you didn’t feel like meeting me for one last time (even after my begging), in your life after all that we shared? After all there was nothing wrong that I had ever done to you.

It’s better if these are left unanswered. It wouldn’t take you a second to give your harsh answers to make things worse for me. So just let it be. Carry on with your life. Things work a little differently for me, if you know. Anyways, you’ll never hear from me again, there will never be any communication from my side henceforth. The purpose of this blog is over.

I wish you find someone who loves you more.

“Kaise janwaro ki tarah chadte hai”, well this is what that woman (not lady, she deserves no respect from me) said while making her way through the crowd, throwing abuses to all those on her way, looking for the seat below the sign, that meant, ‘for ladies’, in Marathi. Then she obviously made that mid-aged man, who probably just had his first breath of relief after standing for 10-15 minutes in a long queue, stand and sat there whining about how rowdy the crowd is (what made the stupid man think that a women would let him sit on a seat, which for some reason, is rightfully hers). Well, was that the end? Nope. Next she had to fight with a man standing next to her, who made her feel uncomfortable. Ok, I am talking about a bus, which I board while coming home from my office at about 9:30 PM (peak hour), a time when one is not bothered about the class to which the person next to him belongs, or the fact that his job is probably paying him more than anyone else in that bus. Most of the people are reeking and sweating, but no one minds it, at that particular hour of the day. Not many people are found talking to each other then, probably just too tired of all that the day had for them, heavy rains, job stress, the crowded trains, the unimaginably crowded station, which may take about 10 mins to get you on the streets for another fight to get into a bus or an auto. This is not a rare or an occasional scene. Every day is the same, for all, the men, women, old and young. I have heard enough of so called feminists; fighting, debating and rebelling without any good reason about them being equal to men. I don’t doubt that. But if it is what they REALLY believe in, why is there a need for them to practise the reservation set by the government. It is this government they fight with for their rights to equality, why not fight to get off what discriminates them? Not so easy now, huh?

I do believe that men still do unjust to women, but no one can deny the fact that women have taken ample advantage of the soft corner the government and the local public have towards them. I would think twice before getting into a scuffle with a woman here. I have seen mid-aged men, chivalrous enough to offer their seats to ladies, to which no one refuses. But never in 5 months have I seen anything happening the other way round.

Every time some girl on facebook updates her status with a public display of her meanness for her ex or any other guy or thing, you would see a bunch of her friends posting this cliche comment, “way to go girl”. What is it that makes you so proud of yourself? What gives you the damn right to ridicule men? (I am as furious as I ever was, even thinking about it). A guy ditching a girl makes him an asshole, but a girl doing the same makes her girl-friends proud of her. A guy over-loving her girl makes him a looser, but a girl doing the same makes her caring and sentimental. Had a brief discussion with a colleague of mine today who claimed that she wants space in her relationship and is waiting for a ‘right guy’. A guy wanting the some space leads to a thousand brows raised against his intentions but a girl wanting the same is her Right. I heard about this girl, who on her wedding hour asked this question to her friend, “Divorce is always an option, right? “. How many men who would marry keeping in mind the option of a divorce? But I am sure, you would find as many women as you want who would happily agree to this. Yet they want a guy to love them selflessly, be tolerant and faithful. I think they are more confused then anything else. Do me a favor lady(ies); please define what the right KIND of guy is. And hey, don’t forget, it’s the GUY we are talking about, not a DOG....

red, green and blues.....

Lately I’ve been thinking about some things consistently. Well this is how it began. A little background before I go on. Following is my routine (I do have a lot of time to think of useless things):

1. Every morning I wake up at around 8 AM (don’t be jealous, I am late already by that time) with just 40 minutes to get ready (hence no time to think)

2. At sharp 8.45, I am out on the street waiting for some auto wala to be kind enough to take me to the railway station. (They, like the ones in every city, have some inherent problem. They don’t want to go where you have to go.)

3. Waiting for the train at around 8.55. Now this is my thought provoking moment. This is where I think about the things I would be writing here. The travelling part is one thing I would never get used to (in fact I would not even want to). You just cannot avoid the stink of some hideous hair oil from the person standing in front of you (me being a taller than most of the people, or about the same height, makes it all the more inexorable) and to add to it, the sweat that you share with everyone around you. Oh yes!!! forgot to mention the layer of red on the tracks, platforms, walls, stairs and almost everything that is public (couldn’t sleep for almost a month because of these sights in my head).

4. Reaching office at around 9.27 (JIT).

5. Office, the best part of the day. I don’t mind working hard, especially if it’s the kind of work I like (as of now). I don’t mind, because it helps me not to think of the dim witted things. And yes, people find it a little too sadistic, guess I am a sadist, I like venting out my frustration at the vendors when they do something wide of the mark.

6. Office done, same old train stuff and then back home.

7. Coming back home SUCKS. I have absolutely nothing to do, hence the same old thinking thing starts (Seems i’ll die of brain cancer).

Well this is very much how I spend my weekdays. Weekends?? It’s simple. Refer to point No. 7

Now, coming back to what I consistently think. All this that I am doing all day started to make no sense to me. What I see here is that I would work, earn some good money, change my job, earn more money, marry, spend money on my family, make some kids, spend more money, grow old, won’t have much money, and finally die, doesn’t matter how much money I am left with. This is crazy shit. All this makes no sense. This is not what I want from my life. I don’t just want to work hard to earn and spend and live a life of a normal man. But at the same time I don’t even know what I’d do with my life if I don’t do this. And there is something else to it. I may start enjoying what I am doing and then finally i'll want to do more of this. But doesn’t that mean that I’ve compromised with the circumstances. It’s all about compromising. I let go of my lover. I guess I didn’t fight hard enough to get her, neither did she. They say it’s just one short life, right? Why so many compromises when it’s actually this short. Someone told me yesterday how this famous guy in a band died from stroke during his sleep. Well I am to die some day, maybe soon, maybe later, maybe before I get old or maybe now, while I am typing, I don’t know. Too many maybes, well that's the whole point. There would always be these "Maybes". For example, "Maybe if I do this, I would have a better tomorrow", but dude, what if not? Maybe the option you’ve let go was the better one, in fact the best one. Why can’t I be happy now, accept things as they come and get what I want (not saying that I don’t want to work. I understand how important money is). Why can’t I be with the people I love, why do I have to stay away from my parents? What good would this money do, if I or they would no longer be there? I would just be left with one head full of regrets of not being with them longer, or not doing things differently when the time was right. I don’t know, all this is too confusing. Success to me is no Bill Gates. I want no 3 letter status. A peaceful, complete and a satisfied sleep would define my concept of happiness and success (Quality of life is directly proportional to the quality of sleep, I think). I miss my mom, my dad, my girl, miss my car too, not to forget my bed, miss the clean air, miss the coffee, miss sharing my bed, miss my mother’s touch, miss 'HER' motherly touch, miss kissing her hands, her forehead too, miss the hug, miss my rash driving, miss those immature races with Hondas and Hyundais with my little 800 cc car, miss the loud rock and country music I played in my car, those intimate moments with my lover, miss playing basketball, miss those long, hands in hand stress free walks, miss talking on phone for hours and hours together, miss the dozing offs while on phone, miss good food, hence, I miss a good night sleep.

THE ink pen and THE diary

Yet another something I had written a long time back...Don't curse me, I may get a little weird at times...:)

I just don't know why I am writing this. I am just using an ink pen after many years. One can very easily guess that I got a pretty bad handwriting. My mom keeps telling me to do something about it. But maybe I am too lazy to do that. So anyways, let me tell you more about this pen. It is a Parker. Now all my acquaintances would easily guess that I did not purchase it from the very fact that it is Parker. I took it from my dad. Actually he gave me the set of 3 pens. The set had a ball pen (did not work), a roller (which I have already used) and this one, "The ink pen". Now why am I using this diary for this stupid stuff? Actually this diary is just as useless, maybe more, as this pen. So I rather use it for this stupid stuff rather than not to use it all. Secondly, the copies I have other than this diary are not fair (bad pages), so the ink from this disperse as I write. So I had to open my suitcase of crappy stuff to find something to write on. And finally I found this. Hence here I am wasting my time and making some use of this pen and this diary. Actually I also had to go to the market to get an ink pot for this pen. Now, I am wondering what the hell I am going to do with it after I am done writing this? well, I am bored now {I am sure you too are :) } , so I stop now...


Sorry sorry sorry sorry......ever seen someone as useless as me to even write this, once on that diary, and then on a blog...phewww...I need some love...

Sticking to resolutions has become tougher than i thought. No, its no New Year resolution, its a resolution for life, a differnt life, good or bad, time would tell, but for now, let it be a differnt life. I dont know what I want. This constant war between what is right, not just for me, what I want, not just for now, and what is going on and how it should have been, is driving me "NUTS"..

There is a bad side of being so logical. Not for those around me, but for myself. I just cant stop thinking. I HAVE to find a logic behind everything. And the worst part isnt that i am overusing my grey cells, its that, the logics doesnt work the way human brain does. I have started to believe that this is a disorder.

I start writing and then stop, distracted by thoughts, nothing in particular though. Feeling ignored is the worst thing that i can go through. My old fears sorround me once again.