true face....which one???

Sitting here in the rain, well not in the rain, with my heavy head from previous night’s absurdity, am wondering what have I done to myself? I have this vague feeling of guilt for some reason. But what am I guilty about, I don’t know, guilty of drinking, or maybe guilty of what this imperfect technology tempted me to do. I don’t think I am guilty of that, I am happy for what I saw, its helping me take my decisions more rationally and is constantly pushing me to stick to them. In fact I really don’t need a push now. But what could have been the reason for it, the anger? Fuck, I should have been the one to be angry then. veritably i am guilty for,

1. allowing someone to play around with me

2. prioritizing someone for whom i was just a source of entertainment

3. not spending time with my parents because of the above mentioned person

4. blind faith and blind trust

etc...(i am sure i can think of many other reasons)

I remember Abhinav and all that he used to say and do. Can also recollect what he told Rohit one day, all that makes sense to me now. Is there something like “Perpetual love”?? I don’t know (again), it doesn't even sound correct, or maybe something like true love, talk of my experience, I don't think so.

What do i do now, talk about everything, would it help me clear out my mind? It would, but what’s the use, there is an explanation to everything, there would be one for this too. I don’t want to feel better about this, I want no justifications. But today, I am proud of what I am, and thankful, for realizing that the path that I had chosen wasn't the right one. But at the same time i am embarrassed, too embarrassed to face myself. Life isn't always about those theories and concepts that sound so right and logical. This Post of mine would have no explanation attached to it, lets see if I have that “MAN” thing in me that they think is missing. There is nothing wrong with the world I guess, neither with me, its just a few people, took a little time for me to understand, and hence i contradict what i just said, "Perpetual Love" (even if it doesn't sound right), and true love does exist. Some people are just too used to this love thing, and thus its a game to them. But ill keep my values and ethics intact. It did take me some time and hell lot of crazy experiences to understand how important it is to treat people in the way they deserve. But this post isn’t about the people, its about me. Talking to Nitin yesterday, I realized that I am a good guy, no matter what the world has to say about this. Talking to Preeti, I felt that I am better (in fact much better) than what is required by the world and the perceptions they have about me. And who says that drinking is bad for me, well it may be, maybe something bad is waiting to happen, but FUCK IT. I ain't scared of the consequences anymore. Moreover it surely did something good this time. I have a clear picture in my head now. No reason for me to suffocate and feel degraded. No reason is good enough for that. There always are good times, I thank the world for that, though now i know that the intentions were not that pure, but still, i duly pay my regards.

Ill move on, wont let time run by me, wont let anyone run over me....i wont go about searching someone with that "point of light above the left shoulder", ill just be patient. There is a lot in this world than the search for a soul mate. I want to be happy too. The times seems to have changed, giving doesn't always means that you ll get the same in return, if it does, maybe i was giving it to the wrong person.....

Tearing myself....

This would be more like a personal diary...i guess...anyways met her today in the college...she was looking really nice in that purple top of hers...didn't tell her...wasn't feeling good...same old depressed mood i was in...she asked for the reason, she knew something was wrong...but what could i tell her, that she was the reason, she was the reason for me being at the lowest point...what does she want...enjoying the best of both the worlds, treats me like her boyfriend when with me and when outside wants all the space and time...go away i am not the type u think i am...well i don't know...she asked for coffee, and then she herself refused for it...maybe she was getting fuckin late for her dance with her friend...i remember, the day when i asked her out for dance, the very first time i guess, and she refused saying that she wants to see other men too and gave me that crappy reason for not going out with me to dance, well listen here girl, i know everything...am not as dumb as u might think of me...never again i am going out with you...coffee, maybe, but otherwise, no...well that is what ill try...u feel good or bad, i don't care, when u don't have that caring factor left in you, then go on i wont care either...ive done enough thinking about what ull like and what u wont,..i think i am done with it...i accept that u are the only one i have(had), but that would not mean that i would be a game to you, i am serious stuff too...you think your one of those hot shots, well you not the only one here...i let you do things to me cause i love you, but this love stinks now, it has left me in a position i was always scared to be in, i am lonely now, i don't feel like talking to anyone the whole day, my parents, my sister, just no one...i am done, i want to format my head, format it of all the things that is holding me back, maybe format me of the love so that i be the man i was once...i want fun too...it was you with whom i see the happy part of me, u said the same to me, but as always, u maybe were CONFUSED...yes i said that, and this time i wont bowdlerize anything that i am saying or writing...i am no more scared of loosing you...you never were scared of loosing me, one reason for this?? you took me for granted, you knew my weakness, i couldn't ever leave you, well times change my love...you asked for it, you just got it...you always came back to me (i loved it) when we used to part, i see that was love...you did what you should have done then, i accepted y0ur leaving me and coming back to me, but what you have been doing lately, its not out of your will to do the right thing, this time you just don't know what you are doing, you have no consideration left...you are just so busy doing things that makes YOU happy...go on...my fault, i put u in a position in my life that was just so fuckin damn important and sacred...its all my fault, no one deserves to be where i had put u to...you were not THE ONE to have been given such a place...cant undo things...hope i just get the power to do what is right now......

Why not black???

Now that is one question i asked myself too...and YOU KNOW WHAT (in caps cause i just cannot start anything without this line), its amazing, i said, to myself, "Not black"...want something more bright and maybe colorful...strange...its like, or maybe unlike, me...

But lately i have been doing many things that are so UNLIKE me...Ok this blog is for pure venting out purpose...no one except ME would have an access to it...that is actually sad , cause i would want her to read all my posts, good ones and the bad ones too...but well this one has to be a little personal...here i go again, thinking about her...

Its all about my head...its paining as i write about it...the pain has become so frequent now...the right side...happens when there is a lot going on in my head...i hate to say this, but i need some help..i need some help from my loved ones...the bad or unfortunate part is that i have no such loved one...cant talk to my folks about it...i am suffering...its so dull, its sad too...i wish i could cry, it helps load off the tension and stress, but the cry thing isn't coming, it rarely comes...i don't know what i want to write, wonder what would bring me at peace...i feel so lone and lost..feels like I've wasted all my time...is she thinking of me in her room, or is it just me...am i somewhere in her priority list...no, i don't think so...even if i am, i am the last she would bother about....she's got her friends...all her ego and principles apply to me and no one else...crap...her friends shouldn't feel bad, who the hell is pranav...what have i been doing...letting her play around with me...what do i do now...played, tampered and torchered...shit...my head, its still paining...i don't feel like writing, but I've got nothing else to do...that crazy girl didn't even bother to call me once...well i know what do write now...my JUDGEMENT ABOUT HER....i am being judgemental, hell yes...ill do whatever i want...

she thinks she is out of the world, super girl
full of false pride
confused
insensitive
highly egoistic
inconsiderate
ETC....

has she any good qualities...yes she does..many, more than i can ever count...but i wont talk about them, cause i am angry...why do i talk about whats good in her when she isn't being good to me...i am SO tried of spending myself on her...its of now use...she will never understand, she is sooo full of her pride and her so call experience that she refuse to open her mind and see what is going on...fuck....this is so shit...i want to call her, but why should i...she hurt me, she is least bothered about it...am i talking like a wimp...maybe i am...i don't care...this is how i am...she thinks she is strong, fuck it...go find yourself a dog, oh dog wont work, it cant make you laugh and give u surprises and do all those things uve mentioned on your blog...well in that case a really witty slave would do the job for u...