Tearing myself....

This would be more like a personal diary...i guess...anyways met her today in the college...she was looking really nice in that purple top of hers...didn't tell her...wasn't feeling good...same old depressed mood i was in...she asked for the reason, she knew something was wrong...but what could i tell her, that she was the reason, she was the reason for me being at the lowest point...what does she want...enjoying the best of both the worlds, treats me like her boyfriend when with me and when outside wants all the space and time...go away i am not the type u think i am...well i don't know...she asked for coffee, and then she herself refused for it...maybe she was getting fuckin late for her dance with her friend...i remember, the day when i asked her out for dance, the very first time i guess, and she refused saying that she wants to see other men too and gave me that crappy reason for not going out with me to dance, well listen here girl, i know everything...am not as dumb as u might think of me...never again i am going out with you...coffee, maybe, but otherwise, no...well that is what ill try...u feel good or bad, i don't care, when u don't have that caring factor left in you, then go on i wont care either...ive done enough thinking about what ull like and what u wont,..i think i am done with it...i accept that u are the only one i have(had), but that would not mean that i would be a game to you, i am serious stuff too...you think your one of those hot shots, well you not the only one here...i let you do things to me cause i love you, but this love stinks now, it has left me in a position i was always scared to be in, i am lonely now, i don't feel like talking to anyone the whole day, my parents, my sister, just no one...i am done, i want to format my head, format it of all the things that is holding me back, maybe format me of the love so that i be the man i was once...i want fun too...it was you with whom i see the happy part of me, u said the same to me, but as always, u maybe were CONFUSED...yes i said that, and this time i wont bowdlerize anything that i am saying or writing...i am no more scared of loosing you...you never were scared of loosing me, one reason for this?? you took me for granted, you knew my weakness, i couldn't ever leave you, well times change my love...you asked for it, you just got it...you always came back to me (i loved it) when we used to part, i see that was love...you did what you should have done then, i accepted y0ur leaving me and coming back to me, but what you have been doing lately, its not out of your will to do the right thing, this time you just don't know what you are doing, you have no consideration left...you are just so busy doing things that makes YOU happy...go on...my fault, i put u in a position in my life that was just so fuckin damn important and sacred...its all my fault, no one deserves to be where i had put u to...you were not THE ONE to have been given such a place...cant undo things...hope i just get the power to do what is right now......