true face....which one???

Sitting here in the rain, well not in the rain, with my heavy head from previous night’s absurdity, am wondering what have I done to myself? I have this vague feeling of guilt for some reason. But what am I guilty about, I don’t know, guilty of drinking, or maybe guilty of what this imperfect technology tempted me to do. I don’t think I am guilty of that, I am happy for what I saw, its helping me take my decisions more rationally and is constantly pushing me to stick to them. In fact I really don’t need a push now. But what could have been the reason for it, the anger? Fuck, I should have been the one to be angry then. veritably i am guilty for,

1. allowing someone to play around with me

2. prioritizing someone for whom i was just a source of entertainment

3. not spending time with my parents because of the above mentioned person

4. blind faith and blind trust

etc...(i am sure i can think of many other reasons)

I remember Abhinav and all that he used to say and do. Can also recollect what he told Rohit one day, all that makes sense to me now. Is there something like “Perpetual love”?? I don’t know (again), it doesn't even sound correct, or maybe something like true love, talk of my experience, I don't think so.

What do i do now, talk about everything, would it help me clear out my mind? It would, but what’s the use, there is an explanation to everything, there would be one for this too. I don’t want to feel better about this, I want no justifications. But today, I am proud of what I am, and thankful, for realizing that the path that I had chosen wasn't the right one. But at the same time i am embarrassed, too embarrassed to face myself. Life isn't always about those theories and concepts that sound so right and logical. This Post of mine would have no explanation attached to it, lets see if I have that “MAN” thing in me that they think is missing. There is nothing wrong with the world I guess, neither with me, its just a few people, took a little time for me to understand, and hence i contradict what i just said, "Perpetual Love" (even if it doesn't sound right), and true love does exist. Some people are just too used to this love thing, and thus its a game to them. But ill keep my values and ethics intact. It did take me some time and hell lot of crazy experiences to understand how important it is to treat people in the way they deserve. But this post isn’t about the people, its about me. Talking to Nitin yesterday, I realized that I am a good guy, no matter what the world has to say about this. Talking to Preeti, I felt that I am better (in fact much better) than what is required by the world and the perceptions they have about me. And who says that drinking is bad for me, well it may be, maybe something bad is waiting to happen, but FUCK IT. I ain't scared of the consequences anymore. Moreover it surely did something good this time. I have a clear picture in my head now. No reason for me to suffocate and feel degraded. No reason is good enough for that. There always are good times, I thank the world for that, though now i know that the intentions were not that pure, but still, i duly pay my regards.

Ill move on, wont let time run by me, wont let anyone run over me....i wont go about searching someone with that "point of light above the left shoulder", ill just be patient. There is a lot in this world than the search for a soul mate. I want to be happy too. The times seems to have changed, giving doesn't always means that you ll get the same in return, if it does, maybe i was giving it to the wrong person.....