Fade away...

“Hey Pranav”: Well, I am not a psycho (maybe a little as people say). This is what I am doing more often these days, talking to myself. I remember doing that before, not just once or twice, it was habitual. As far as I remember I was then a super negative piece of tart. But life was fine. With my wits, I could win any discussion at hand, if I felt it worth enough for me to get into, much astute with my plans and activities, more or less, self-sufficient. Since there is much cribbing in this phase of my life, this post would be no different. I’d crib as much as I want, for no one here care nor has the authority to care, even if willing. I have taken back all those rights, though the control factor which theoretically mine is still under construction. Moreover, this place, which I, from the core of my heart, dislike, a job which hardly saves me any moolah by the end of the month and have also ceased to provide me any growth as far as my experience and personality is concerned; help me in no ways. I did try my hands on ‘Twitter’ to bring back that life, but just felt myself impersonating someone that I am not. Sadly (disgustingly), I did at times patronised people, with my ‘now-dull-brain’, just to get into a conversation for some unknown reason, maybe just to feel a little alive. But I still have my ego, which differentiates me from the rest. Twitter, no more, till I am ready again. I’ll live again someday, without bargaining myself. I won’t talk about my job. It’s a lot more than what I deserve and what I could ask for. I couldn't’t, during the whole of my MBA, even imagine myself in a bank or an asset management company, that would have me run around in places I’d refrain from, in my sane life. Nor would I talk about this place. I’ve been in a place worst than this, all alone, at an age when one’s mother would gently pull her child close to her and place him/her on her laps and love her heart out. Not that there was some problem with THAT place, it was the people then, that caused me more pain and agony. Those were the days when I faced the real, much needed, trials of my life. 2 years of that suffering, and I was transformed. Next 3 years after that, bliss and the 2 years after that, inferno, and the next 2 years, bliss(est)<-- that, I KNOW make no sense. Wait let me make a sinusoidal graph of my life (I didn’t mean it, don’t force me in making one). But according to the graph (hypothetical, just imagine one), next few years would go BAD for me (Nah, stats are not always correct, don’t make me talk about the recession times now). Well, I’ll simply have to keep up with it. But I’m not gonna start with my autobiography here, not that I wouldn’t be interested, but it’s not an interesting one. Am I proud? Yes. No dark secrets or mistakes. Its helps me lead a happy life with a lot less baggage, less confusion, more open to opinions, etc (don’t feel like thinking more about the benefits now, sorry).

I remember me as a child, when my father, who had a good job which wasn’t good enough to support HIS wanton family, put at stake not only his happiness but that of his wife and his 2 really small children. Ignorant of the environment, I kept up with my demands, which in no ways could be fulfilled, no matter how small they were. A mere candy, that I cried for, which would’ve costed less than a rupee would raise a number of calculations in my dear mother’s head after which she, hiding her grave sadness and distress; probably her tears too, would smile embarrassingly and say, ‘beta abhi nai, baad mei pakka dilaunge’. I could have never understood what she must be going through, denying her son’s happiness. I grew up in an environment where money was always in scarce, but I hardly remember a moment when my parents kept me deprived of my LUXURIES (after the times mentioned above). I remember my dad running around in his “Bajaj Priya” frantically to keep up with all the misc activities just to gather a little more, to merely fulfil the needs of his family in times when he was suppose to pamper his wife and children. My dad is damn smart and very well educated, he’s an engineer and was a big shot, but no one can stand against the will of the undying ones. Why I say all this? I’ve hurt them and FEW more in the process of mourning for those who are busy wooing for others and consoling the heartbreaks of those who never made/(will make) any difference in their lives. I made my lovely sister cry, who, at any given day, if required, would shield me even if death itself wish to feel me. This is not the first time I did this and regret. I’ve done this over and over before.

I blame no one for this; intolerable, cranky, sad and sadist behaviour of mine. I’ll let go of the nastiness, rudeness and indifference inflicted upon me. I’d forget the fact that those, I stood by in their time of need, stranded me in a helpless state, to satisfy their rebellious and righteous craving for life. I can’t make anyone feel guilty for something for which their conscious is clear, if I can, then it’s well deserved. One prayer, I have to those watching and mocking me. Let THAT one, who pained me in those most needed days of mine, live happily in peace, for I still love her and would dare not think bad for her. I'll cry no more in the depths of my blanket or under the sky, in solitude. I’ll too move on someday, though not as soon as she did, but yes for my own good, sooner than I think.

I'll be angry no more....

Just moving out....

Yes, I was serious when I said in my previous post that it was my last one. But who gives a shit, I want to write again. Can you kill me for that? Want to write more now. The ones I’ll write now are not person or purpose specific. True, that not many people know of my blog, but nevertheless I still want to keep up with my wannabe feelings to write and be good at it someday.

Sipping my coffee at the airport waiting for my flight that got delayed by 1 hour 50 minutes:
Here are some of the activities for my new BETTER life. May not last forever, I mean the activities, but sure would do some good for now.
No more sad/hatred posts. I need to forget the people who behaved badly in the past. Give it a new start like I did today, purchased a weird coloured t-shirt, don’t know what you would call this colour, but it looks good on me, met some new people yesterday, felt better, met old friends, felt great!! I should try some different stuff now, maybe some old immature things that I did in the past. Maybe get slapped by few girls in a mall (FYI, this never happened before and would never happen), or do something retarded, illegal, something I refrained from doing before, ignoring my boring old school ethics; 1 full pack of cigarettes or get drunk (even puke) once again. Need to shop a lot too; change my wardrobe, all new stuff. A new job too. Phew! I really need that. I just have to leave this place, or make a nice (not nice, just sexy and hot) girlfriend, not lovable types. Well anyways this coffee is not nice, bloody expensive but useless, and my computer has its battery drained, so I’ll finish it here, incomplete and short yet pleasant and worth remembering.

Still grudges...Still Love...

This is my last post here and probably my last blog. Writing wasn’t my thing anyways. I admit that I have a little wannabe feelings for writing, but some things are just not meant for you. So here I go giving up more than just writing.

Instead of beating around the bush, will come straight to the point, I really miss you, hate your arrogance and am wondering if for once the thought crossed your mind to call me after your arrogant tone? Did you for a moment, want to talk just a little more when I said ‘Bye’ and you hanged up instantly? Ever wanted to say something even when there was nothing to say? Did you give it a second thought before blocking me on facebook (Even if I told you too) and gtalk? Are you so over me already, with that new guy in your head that you didn’t feel like meeting me for one last time (even after my begging), in your life after all that we shared? After all there was nothing wrong that I had ever done to you.

It’s better if these are left unanswered. It wouldn’t take you a second to give your harsh answers to make things worse for me. So just let it be. Carry on with your life. Things work a little differently for me, if you know. Anyways, you’ll never hear from me again, there will never be any communication from my side henceforth. The purpose of this blog is over.

I wish you find someone who loves you more.

“Kaise janwaro ki tarah chadte hai”, well this is what that woman (not lady, she deserves no respect from me) said while making her way through the crowd, throwing abuses to all those on her way, looking for the seat below the sign, that meant, ‘for ladies’, in Marathi. Then she obviously made that mid-aged man, who probably just had his first breath of relief after standing for 10-15 minutes in a long queue, stand and sat there whining about how rowdy the crowd is (what made the stupid man think that a women would let him sit on a seat, which for some reason, is rightfully hers). Well, was that the end? Nope. Next she had to fight with a man standing next to her, who made her feel uncomfortable. Ok, I am talking about a bus, which I board while coming home from my office at about 9:30 PM (peak hour), a time when one is not bothered about the class to which the person next to him belongs, or the fact that his job is probably paying him more than anyone else in that bus. Most of the people are reeking and sweating, but no one minds it, at that particular hour of the day. Not many people are found talking to each other then, probably just too tired of all that the day had for them, heavy rains, job stress, the crowded trains, the unimaginably crowded station, which may take about 10 mins to get you on the streets for another fight to get into a bus or an auto. This is not a rare or an occasional scene. Every day is the same, for all, the men, women, old and young. I have heard enough of so called feminists; fighting, debating and rebelling without any good reason about them being equal to men. I don’t doubt that. But if it is what they REALLY believe in, why is there a need for them to practise the reservation set by the government. It is this government they fight with for their rights to equality, why not fight to get off what discriminates them? Not so easy now, huh?

I do believe that men still do unjust to women, but no one can deny the fact that women have taken ample advantage of the soft corner the government and the local public have towards them. I would think twice before getting into a scuffle with a woman here. I have seen mid-aged men, chivalrous enough to offer their seats to ladies, to which no one refuses. But never in 5 months have I seen anything happening the other way round.

Every time some girl on facebook updates her status with a public display of her meanness for her ex or any other guy or thing, you would see a bunch of her friends posting this cliche comment, “way to go girl”. What is it that makes you so proud of yourself? What gives you the damn right to ridicule men? (I am as furious as I ever was, even thinking about it). A guy ditching a girl makes him an asshole, but a girl doing the same makes her girl-friends proud of her. A guy over-loving her girl makes him a looser, but a girl doing the same makes her caring and sentimental. Had a brief discussion with a colleague of mine today who claimed that she wants space in her relationship and is waiting for a ‘right guy’. A guy wanting the some space leads to a thousand brows raised against his intentions but a girl wanting the same is her Right. I heard about this girl, who on her wedding hour asked this question to her friend, “Divorce is always an option, right? “. How many men who would marry keeping in mind the option of a divorce? But I am sure, you would find as many women as you want who would happily agree to this. Yet they want a guy to love them selflessly, be tolerant and faithful. I think they are more confused then anything else. Do me a favor lady(ies); please define what the right KIND of guy is. And hey, don’t forget, it’s the GUY we are talking about, not a DOG....

red, green and blues.....

Lately I’ve been thinking about some things consistently. Well this is how it began. A little background before I go on. Following is my routine (I do have a lot of time to think of useless things):

1. Every morning I wake up at around 8 AM (don’t be jealous, I am late already by that time) with just 40 minutes to get ready (hence no time to think)

2. At sharp 8.45, I am out on the street waiting for some auto wala to be kind enough to take me to the railway station. (They, like the ones in every city, have some inherent problem. They don’t want to go where you have to go.)

3. Waiting for the train at around 8.55. Now this is my thought provoking moment. This is where I think about the things I would be writing here. The travelling part is one thing I would never get used to (in fact I would not even want to). You just cannot avoid the stink of some hideous hair oil from the person standing in front of you (me being a taller than most of the people, or about the same height, makes it all the more inexorable) and to add to it, the sweat that you share with everyone around you. Oh yes!!! forgot to mention the layer of red on the tracks, platforms, walls, stairs and almost everything that is public (couldn’t sleep for almost a month because of these sights in my head).

4. Reaching office at around 9.27 (JIT).

5. Office, the best part of the day. I don’t mind working hard, especially if it’s the kind of work I like (as of now). I don’t mind, because it helps me not to think of the dim witted things. And yes, people find it a little too sadistic, guess I am a sadist, I like venting out my frustration at the vendors when they do something wide of the mark.

6. Office done, same old train stuff and then back home.

7. Coming back home SUCKS. I have absolutely nothing to do, hence the same old thinking thing starts (Seems i’ll die of brain cancer).

Well this is very much how I spend my weekdays. Weekends?? It’s simple. Refer to point No. 7

Now, coming back to what I consistently think. All this that I am doing all day started to make no sense to me. What I see here is that I would work, earn some good money, change my job, earn more money, marry, spend money on my family, make some kids, spend more money, grow old, won’t have much money, and finally die, doesn’t matter how much money I am left with. This is crazy shit. All this makes no sense. This is not what I want from my life. I don’t just want to work hard to earn and spend and live a life of a normal man. But at the same time I don’t even know what I’d do with my life if I don’t do this. And there is something else to it. I may start enjoying what I am doing and then finally i'll want to do more of this. But doesn’t that mean that I’ve compromised with the circumstances. It’s all about compromising. I let go of my lover. I guess I didn’t fight hard enough to get her, neither did she. They say it’s just one short life, right? Why so many compromises when it’s actually this short. Someone told me yesterday how this famous guy in a band died from stroke during his sleep. Well I am to die some day, maybe soon, maybe later, maybe before I get old or maybe now, while I am typing, I don’t know. Too many maybes, well that's the whole point. There would always be these "Maybes". For example, "Maybe if I do this, I would have a better tomorrow", but dude, what if not? Maybe the option you’ve let go was the better one, in fact the best one. Why can’t I be happy now, accept things as they come and get what I want (not saying that I don’t want to work. I understand how important money is). Why can’t I be with the people I love, why do I have to stay away from my parents? What good would this money do, if I or they would no longer be there? I would just be left with one head full of regrets of not being with them longer, or not doing things differently when the time was right. I don’t know, all this is too confusing. Success to me is no Bill Gates. I want no 3 letter status. A peaceful, complete and a satisfied sleep would define my concept of happiness and success (Quality of life is directly proportional to the quality of sleep, I think). I miss my mom, my dad, my girl, miss my car too, not to forget my bed, miss the clean air, miss the coffee, miss sharing my bed, miss my mother’s touch, miss 'HER' motherly touch, miss kissing her hands, her forehead too, miss the hug, miss my rash driving, miss those immature races with Hondas and Hyundais with my little 800 cc car, miss the loud rock and country music I played in my car, those intimate moments with my lover, miss playing basketball, miss those long, hands in hand stress free walks, miss talking on phone for hours and hours together, miss the dozing offs while on phone, miss good food, hence, I miss a good night sleep.

THE ink pen and THE diary

Yet another something I had written a long time back...Don't curse me, I may get a little weird at times...:)

I just don't know why I am writing this. I am just using an ink pen after many years. One can very easily guess that I got a pretty bad handwriting. My mom keeps telling me to do something about it. But maybe I am too lazy to do that. So anyways, let me tell you more about this pen. It is a Parker. Now all my acquaintances would easily guess that I did not purchase it from the very fact that it is Parker. I took it from my dad. Actually he gave me the set of 3 pens. The set had a ball pen (did not work), a roller (which I have already used) and this one, "The ink pen". Now why am I using this diary for this stupid stuff? Actually this diary is just as useless, maybe more, as this pen. So I rather use it for this stupid stuff rather than not to use it all. Secondly, the copies I have other than this diary are not fair (bad pages), so the ink from this disperse as I write. So I had to open my suitcase of crappy stuff to find something to write on. And finally I found this. Hence here I am wasting my time and making some use of this pen and this diary. Actually I also had to go to the market to get an ink pot for this pen. Now, I am wondering what the hell I am going to do with it after I am done writing this? well, I am bored now {I am sure you too are :) } , so I stop now...


Sorry sorry sorry sorry......ever seen someone as useless as me to even write this, once on that diary, and then on a blog...phewww...I need some love...

Sticking to resolutions has become tougher than i thought. No, its no New Year resolution, its a resolution for life, a differnt life, good or bad, time would tell, but for now, let it be a differnt life. I dont know what I want. This constant war between what is right, not just for me, what I want, not just for now, and what is going on and how it should have been, is driving me "NUTS"..

There is a bad side of being so logical. Not for those around me, but for myself. I just cant stop thinking. I HAVE to find a logic behind everything. And the worst part isnt that i am overusing my grey cells, its that, the logics doesnt work the way human brain does. I have started to believe that this is a disorder.

I start writing and then stop, distracted by thoughts, nothing in particular though. Feeling ignored is the worst thing that i can go through. My old fears sorround me once again.

See how things change. Going through my previous posts and my neverending complaining to what I started to write now, something that is more positive and good to read. I dont think I would read those posts again, and specially ones of my old blog, I would not go near it. Yes, endless negativity. I know. How did people even tolerate me.

All that you go through in your lifetime (life till present)starting from the beginning love, carings, affections, attractions, motivations, inspirations, pleasure, betrayal, sadness, anger, voilence, distractions,

My logics. Any problem??

I usually talk of heaven and hell, as if I know most of what it is all about. But truly, I know a lot about it. Don't dare try to prove me wrong, I am not open to discussions or criticisms anymore. I talk LOGICALLY. Like it or hate it, I don't care. Its my strength and my weakness. None is perfect here. Well, coming back to what is heaven and hell. It is hell right now. Prove it?? I don't mind. I cant sleep all night. Haven't been eating even 2 meals everyday. Feel like a prisoner, lonely and frustrated in a bloody stinking slammer. I Wake up in the middle of the night, IF I manage to sleep, and cry out loud. THIS IS HELL.

But hey don't pity me, I don't need any ones help. Its just a passing phase. It'll go away soon. I know of some horrendous things that i have done, this is just the restitution for the same. Ill be cleansed but the time its all over. A new happy beginning then, nothing to hold me back or throw me down. I will need no one then. Ill take back what is mine, the control. My music, like always would be my companion, my job would be my hobbie, ONLY my parents would be my priority, no emotional attachments from people, its not worth the effort.

I want to move on too, just like the rest of the world. Its not easy for me, has never been. I remember the time when I could do anything if challenged, jumping from places, inserting fingers in electric sockets and what not. Yea, that was immature, but things have not changed much, the challenges are bigger, but so am I, bigger and stronger. Just need to look inside for that long lost kid, its there somewhere. Don't want the useless stuff like love and attachments wreck my life. Life has a lot more to it, things are better and more beautiful. People would come and go, they would not remember you. I have to do the same.

Ill cherish the good times, and with no high ego issues would learn from the bad ones. I don't want to be scared of loosing anymore, loosing people or things. Its too much of a liability. Come and go, I would do the same, I would not stop you and would not stop if you tell me to. Would not feel hurt from what you tell or write, but yes, may give you a harder jab if you manage to offend me.

I will try to change, have been changing for good. I thank those responsible for this. But I have given things back in return. So we owe nothing to each other. Its not complicated, the human mind, give it something to distract, and you are distracted from what was once your distraction. Some take no time at all, and some would not look at those distractions because they think that what they had was definitely better and would want to stick to it. Well, funny thing, it is complicated. I can suddenly think of few more possibilities. Phewww...I am good...I am the best...NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN VEDARONESTINASIA (vae-de-ro-nes-ti-ne-shia)

This story is not related to me in anyways and its resemblance from anyone would be a total coincidence and my creativity (or stupidity, most likely the case).
So this story is about a boy who was born in a village far away from this planet in a galaxy not know to man, in a very poor family. Now one may wonder if this is one of those silly stories where a boy does great things even though being born in poor conditions. Well, it’s not the case here, because this boy was born on a different planet, and not earth, where bollywood produces stupid movies. So this boy, named Pranav, had 4 friends, Joshi, Gautam, Manish and Saunak. These friends, one day planned to go for an outing. On their way, they came across a stable with a beautiful horse STANDING. This was no ordinary horse, they thought (obviously, not just because it was from a different planet but it was really huge too). They were so fascinated by this horse that they decided to buy it. Before that, they thought to ride on it first. This horse was a real stubborn types and it just refused to sit down due to which the friends couldn’t sit on it. So out of frustration they all started beating up the horse. Suddenly the owner of the horse came running, hearing the cries of his horse, and angrily cursed the 5 friends that if they ever sit, they would die. All the friends really scared wondered what to do now. But out of the 5 friends, Saunak was bravest. He was pretty sure that nothing would happen and mocked his friends on believing on something as stupid as that. Without a second thought he sat down. Guess what happened next, of course he died. Now the friends all the more scared, decided to face the situation maturely, they planned for a galaxy tour. So they all started with their journey and after travelling for 20 days came back to their planet and back to their home. Now Joshi was very tired and wanted to sleep, but he knew the consequence. Finally he made up his mind and bid goodbye to his friends, laid down and of course never got up again, leaving the remaining 3 sad and depressed. They wondered what to do now. Finally they planned to go on a same trip once again. On their return, it was Gautam’s turn to bid goodbye to the remaining 2. Similarly Manish was next. Pranav was left really sad and lonely. He could not understand what to do now. So finally he too decided to sit and finish his life thinking that this was very much inevitable. But before that he wanted to eat and drink like never before, all those things he ever wanted, so that he dies satisfied. After he finished his meals he finally decided to sit on a motorcycle he desperately wanted to buy. As soon as he sat on it, guess what happened, NOTHING. He was so happy and at the same time confused. But then suddenly he saw the owner of the same horse running towards him with a knife. Scared what to do now, he rode the bike as fast as he could, and the owner followed him in the red bike that was parked next to the blue one which Pranav was riding. After a long chase the owner finally caught up with the blue bike and killed Pranav.
This was how all the 5 friends died. This is the end of the story. But now the most important part of it. What is the moral of the story?
…………
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1. The red bike was faster from the blue bike
2. All alien stories are not interesting
3. And on a serious note, it's not good to torture animals


P.S. I am really sorry for such a pathetic piece of work. Had written it a long time back...Did not want it go waste in some old dusty notebook.

Been some time since my last update and as the blogging thing is so much in air these days, felt like updating mine as well. This would be probably the very first time i'd post in a happy mood. Why am I happy?? I don't know, and honestly am least bothered to find it out. Am happy as long as I am happy. Well that made no sense. Who cares? I tend to speak a little nonsense when I am happy. So here it goes all the nonsense I can think of at the moment....
I’ll start with what I am wondering right now. First of all am really enjoying typing. Ok, that is not what I am wondering right now. What I was wondering was that why is it that all my post were so "her" centric?? There is so much in life more than just that. Not that my feelings have changed in any ways, but something has for sure changed the way I think. I must say, the recent incidents have played a pivotal role. All I know is that I’ll be altogether a different person by the time I am done with my course. And that gives me the answer to my question ( why are my posts so "her" centric)...it’s all because of "her" that I have changed so much...changes, good or bad, well both, but I’ll concentrate more on the good ones...specially becuase ive been really bad with to her with my words...I think she deserves a lot more than my criticism and my poisonous words…not that I regret what all I had posted before, it was what I felt, but she isn’t all that bad…I thank you for all that you’ve done for me girl, all the love and affection, your sacrifices, your caring, just everything…these 10 months compensated for those 5 years of my dull life…I just hope I did something good for you as well…
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Incomplete....will complete it someday, but time required me to post this today, had to let you know what i really feel for you...I LOVE YOU...Love may go someday, it will, in fact it will have to...but you will be there, in that special untouchable place in my heart...

List of questions i usually ask myself....not an exhaustive list, but all that i can think of right now....

1. Will i ever be stinking rich??

2. Why have i started getting irritated with my mom and dad so often??

3. Why do i try to keep her happy all the time, when she either doesn't want to be happy with me, or when she would never push herself so much if required??

4. Will i have ever get to camp in Himalayas all by myself??

5. Will i ever get to jump into really deep waters from a high bridge??

6. Will i be all fit and fine, in one piece, till the time i die??

7. How would i get over the death of my parents, if they die before me (which i really wish)??

8. Would i ever find someone who would love me, selflessly, and understand me completely?? (too much to ask i guess)

9. Will i ever fly a plane??

10. Would it ever be possible for me to shop for whatever i like without worrying about my budget??

11. Will i be able to give my parents all that they ever wanted??

12. Will i ever be a real hacker??

13. will i ever learn to play guitar??

14. Will i ever learn to dance??

15. Why do i give some people such high importance??

16. Why is it that i get things, things i always wanted, at a later stage and not when i really wanted them??

17. Why do i always get carried away in love??

18. Why am i always so scared of loosing the people i love??

19. Why do i tolerate things that i don't like, when people don't do the same with me??

20. Why am i so selective in making friends??

21. Will i ever be able to ask a question, fearlessly, and get the answer i want to hear??

22. Would i die happy and satisfied??

Immature ?? (maybe)....but i do think of these things at times, in different moods, while watching and hearing people do some of these things...Can think of more, but dont feel like writing now...I know, and i also say, one cannot get everything in life...I believe in it, but is it really bad to dream and think of all that you'd want??

this stays unpublished....

Its funny that eveytime you say something good about anything, that is when the thing always go bad...its almost immidiately in fact....okk, now i start my post with this line, because i dont always want to sound confused and lost...i am neither confused nor am lost...i am just a little sad...maybe more than a little...a day back taked to mom about her and there she goes now...thought this would be one of the best birthday i ever had, and strangly, it turns out to be the worst...well shit happens...but damn, i think i am confused, as i really dont know what to write...i just want to write something becasuse i know that is the only think that would help me...tried seeking some help from the very source of my sadness, but guess there are some better things they have to do...so all i can do is some blogging to kill my time and be at peace...going through a blog afew days back, there was a sentence that read " Crying, sweating and yelling over anyone or anything? Unless someone's in imminent danger, dead or dying, you're way too wrapped up."...it kind of makes sense. After all why is it that we cry and sweat over someone, unless its not your family, who have actually sacrifices a lot to make me what i am...but is it so easy to let go of someone who gave you the best times of your life and who you really love?? its not, but all you can think at this time is that the person you are so sad for, is moving on at a pace that you can never imagine...maybe then youll realize that all you are trying to do is show the person how important she is and give her a reason to be more man than you are...more you are available for the other person, more you are taken for granted...but why the hell are the things so complicated...why is the ego and the pride factor always so dominant...i really dont know...FUCK I NEVER KNOW ANYTHING...she is like right in from of me...want to talk to her...but dont want to be the one one pushing the conversations all the time...and here i go again, pinged her...am doing all that i dont want to do...when am i going to learn...there is so much more to do in life, why am i so WRAPPED UP in this love crap...this is the time when pleaying around in relations make sense...why the hell do you have to be so serious...well not something i can do...and not something i would ever want to do...its not all that good getting into any relation...i was indifferent before i got into one, but now i am sad and depressed...i had told her that i want no commitments, was it so hard for her to understand me...did she actually want a guy who would play around with her...how could she feel good about things things then...i dont know its way to over my head...i think i gave her a good time...she cannot have all the good things...its immature to even expect it...i cannot love her, when i am not happy myself...and if i cannot love her, how can i give her what she wants...one time we talk about spending our life together, next moment she says bye...maybe this is how girls think now...i am way to backward for them...well the best for me is to stay alone...i wait for her, but i am not trying anything this time...made a mistake before...not doing the same thing again...ill live...ill learn...

september ashes....

September begun with a goodbye to my heart

The pictures you put in my head brought tears behind my icy hands

Come closer; Breathe my name and nothing more

We are mere whispering of a heartfelt elegy

So when I scream for you, do not answer me

When I beg you to hold me, just walk away...

......Draconian.......

:) , :( , ;) , :D , :-/ , :x , X-( , :->......goes on and on....

Embracing what is.....Don't shed a tear, don't cry...the only way to end this curse is when all of us will die....so raise your glasses, and take another swing, have no fear, don't look back and dance to your fate...

true face....which one???

Sitting here in the rain, well not in the rain, with my heavy head from previous night’s absurdity, am wondering what have I done to myself? I have this vague feeling of guilt for some reason. But what am I guilty about, I don’t know, guilty of drinking, or maybe guilty of what this imperfect technology tempted me to do. I don’t think I am guilty of that, I am happy for what I saw, its helping me take my decisions more rationally and is constantly pushing me to stick to them. In fact I really don’t need a push now. But what could have been the reason for it, the anger? Fuck, I should have been the one to be angry then. veritably i am guilty for,

1. allowing someone to play around with me

2. prioritizing someone for whom i was just a source of entertainment

3. not spending time with my parents because of the above mentioned person

4. blind faith and blind trust

etc...(i am sure i can think of many other reasons)

I remember Abhinav and all that he used to say and do. Can also recollect what he told Rohit one day, all that makes sense to me now. Is there something like “Perpetual love”?? I don’t know (again), it doesn't even sound correct, or maybe something like true love, talk of my experience, I don't think so.

What do i do now, talk about everything, would it help me clear out my mind? It would, but what’s the use, there is an explanation to everything, there would be one for this too. I don’t want to feel better about this, I want no justifications. But today, I am proud of what I am, and thankful, for realizing that the path that I had chosen wasn't the right one. But at the same time i am embarrassed, too embarrassed to face myself. Life isn't always about those theories and concepts that sound so right and logical. This Post of mine would have no explanation attached to it, lets see if I have that “MAN” thing in me that they think is missing. There is nothing wrong with the world I guess, neither with me, its just a few people, took a little time for me to understand, and hence i contradict what i just said, "Perpetual Love" (even if it doesn't sound right), and true love does exist. Some people are just too used to this love thing, and thus its a game to them. But ill keep my values and ethics intact. It did take me some time and hell lot of crazy experiences to understand how important it is to treat people in the way they deserve. But this post isn’t about the people, its about me. Talking to Nitin yesterday, I realized that I am a good guy, no matter what the world has to say about this. Talking to Preeti, I felt that I am better (in fact much better) than what is required by the world and the perceptions they have about me. And who says that drinking is bad for me, well it may be, maybe something bad is waiting to happen, but FUCK IT. I ain't scared of the consequences anymore. Moreover it surely did something good this time. I have a clear picture in my head now. No reason for me to suffocate and feel degraded. No reason is good enough for that. There always are good times, I thank the world for that, though now i know that the intentions were not that pure, but still, i duly pay my regards.

Ill move on, wont let time run by me, wont let anyone run over me....i wont go about searching someone with that "point of light above the left shoulder", ill just be patient. There is a lot in this world than the search for a soul mate. I want to be happy too. The times seems to have changed, giving doesn't always means that you ll get the same in return, if it does, maybe i was giving it to the wrong person.....

Tearing myself....

This would be more like a personal diary...i guess...anyways met her today in the college...she was looking really nice in that purple top of hers...didn't tell her...wasn't feeling good...same old depressed mood i was in...she asked for the reason, she knew something was wrong...but what could i tell her, that she was the reason, she was the reason for me being at the lowest point...what does she want...enjoying the best of both the worlds, treats me like her boyfriend when with me and when outside wants all the space and time...go away i am not the type u think i am...well i don't know...she asked for coffee, and then she herself refused for it...maybe she was getting fuckin late for her dance with her friend...i remember, the day when i asked her out for dance, the very first time i guess, and she refused saying that she wants to see other men too and gave me that crappy reason for not going out with me to dance, well listen here girl, i know everything...am not as dumb as u might think of me...never again i am going out with you...coffee, maybe, but otherwise, no...well that is what ill try...u feel good or bad, i don't care, when u don't have that caring factor left in you, then go on i wont care either...ive done enough thinking about what ull like and what u wont,..i think i am done with it...i accept that u are the only one i have(had), but that would not mean that i would be a game to you, i am serious stuff too...you think your one of those hot shots, well you not the only one here...i let you do things to me cause i love you, but this love stinks now, it has left me in a position i was always scared to be in, i am lonely now, i don't feel like talking to anyone the whole day, my parents, my sister, just no one...i am done, i want to format my head, format it of all the things that is holding me back, maybe format me of the love so that i be the man i was once...i want fun too...it was you with whom i see the happy part of me, u said the same to me, but as always, u maybe were CONFUSED...yes i said that, and this time i wont bowdlerize anything that i am saying or writing...i am no more scared of loosing you...you never were scared of loosing me, one reason for this?? you took me for granted, you knew my weakness, i couldn't ever leave you, well times change my love...you asked for it, you just got it...you always came back to me (i loved it) when we used to part, i see that was love...you did what you should have done then, i accepted y0ur leaving me and coming back to me, but what you have been doing lately, its not out of your will to do the right thing, this time you just don't know what you are doing, you have no consideration left...you are just so busy doing things that makes YOU happy...go on...my fault, i put u in a position in my life that was just so fuckin damn important and sacred...its all my fault, no one deserves to be where i had put u to...you were not THE ONE to have been given such a place...cant undo things...hope i just get the power to do what is right now......

Why not black???

Now that is one question i asked myself too...and YOU KNOW WHAT (in caps cause i just cannot start anything without this line), its amazing, i said, to myself, "Not black"...want something more bright and maybe colorful...strange...its like, or maybe unlike, me...

But lately i have been doing many things that are so UNLIKE me...Ok this blog is for pure venting out purpose...no one except ME would have an access to it...that is actually sad , cause i would want her to read all my posts, good ones and the bad ones too...but well this one has to be a little personal...here i go again, thinking about her...

Its all about my head...its paining as i write about it...the pain has become so frequent now...the right side...happens when there is a lot going on in my head...i hate to say this, but i need some help..i need some help from my loved ones...the bad or unfortunate part is that i have no such loved one...cant talk to my folks about it...i am suffering...its so dull, its sad too...i wish i could cry, it helps load off the tension and stress, but the cry thing isn't coming, it rarely comes...i don't know what i want to write, wonder what would bring me at peace...i feel so lone and lost..feels like I've wasted all my time...is she thinking of me in her room, or is it just me...am i somewhere in her priority list...no, i don't think so...even if i am, i am the last she would bother about....she's got her friends...all her ego and principles apply to me and no one else...crap...her friends shouldn't feel bad, who the hell is pranav...what have i been doing...letting her play around with me...what do i do now...played, tampered and torchered...shit...my head, its still paining...i don't feel like writing, but I've got nothing else to do...that crazy girl didn't even bother to call me once...well i know what do write now...my JUDGEMENT ABOUT HER....i am being judgemental, hell yes...ill do whatever i want...

she thinks she is out of the world, super girl
full of false pride
confused
insensitive
highly egoistic
inconsiderate
ETC....

has she any good qualities...yes she does..many, more than i can ever count...but i wont talk about them, cause i am angry...why do i talk about whats good in her when she isn't being good to me...i am SO tried of spending myself on her...its of now use...she will never understand, she is sooo full of her pride and her so call experience that she refuse to open her mind and see what is going on...fuck....this is so shit...i want to call her, but why should i...she hurt me, she is least bothered about it...am i talking like a wimp...maybe i am...i don't care...this is how i am...she thinks she is strong, fuck it...go find yourself a dog, oh dog wont work, it cant make you laugh and give u surprises and do all those things uve mentioned on your blog...well in that case a really witty slave would do the job for u...